why? (personal essays)

I come from a family which values education at an apex of life's priorities. Both my parents are accomplished and skilled doctors, my dad being a gen. surgeon and mom a pediatrician. Growing up I wasn't exactly pressurized into studying everyday and cramming books, but there was always an unsaid expectation to score well and have a top 3 rank among peers. At the same time, I was a curious child. I was curious about arts to be specific. From junior kindergarten to my 10th grade, I have performed as a dancer multiple times every year, representing my school and being recognized as a 'natural performer'. Ive won accolades for my school in dancing and drama. It all started because of the popular Indian actor Hrithik Roshan. 

When his first movie Kaho na pyaar hai had released, I was a tiny tot who had just learned to walk and move, and my parents took me to watch him in a movie theatre. When one of his songs came on screen, with him showcasing slick moves and dancing like a dream, as a child, I was dazzled. While looking at him dance, I started dancing there in the theatre itself. People around cheered and stuff. My parents must have realised he has a proclivity towards shaking his leg. When the school announced annual dance functions, I was the first in line to say yes which initiated a life long trigger of dancing dominoes. Later in the 'college' tab you can also read about how I was actively involved in my hip hop dance crew during my undergrad, and our crew stood 9th in the country at the Hip Hop International Championship, India. 

In school, everybody knew me because I danced every year. Especially parents, who still reminiscence how they still can't forget the energetic kid at the centre of the group. In fact, a senior from school (5 years elder to me) who had seen me dance in 4th grade (2007), recognized me in the US this year (2025). To quote him - " I had a hunch you were the same guy I saw dancing in school, you still have the baby face, a look on your ID card and I confirmed you indeed are Avdhoot".

 Dancing taught me to be present in the moment. It took me into a flow state. I vividly remember how when I was on stage, I was transported somewhere. I didnt care who I was, where was I coming from, what am I gonna do in the future etc I was just one with the music, with my body perfectly synchronising with my pre trained steps from memory. It was a magical feeling. It still is. Being a performer, I gravitate towards art more. I can somehow understand the level of ecstasy artists must feel after producing art. They operate in a realm which is devoid of human constraints and logic. This form of being one with a certain activity has taken many shapes in my career. While growing up, it was dancing. During my late teenage years, it turned into reading and literature. Let's see what shape it takes next. I call it Big Magic (a term coined by Elizabeth Gilbert).

So school was an extended feast for me. Obviously there were these maximas and minimas, but when I look back and try to connect the dots, I have nothing but good memories. That's the beauty of the hindsight fallacy, you know there have been a myriad of experiences you went through, but the highs/ lows truly define them in your objective analysis. I'm sure there has been lots of other interesting experiences I went through in school, but of I make a wordcloud, dance is the biggest word. The friends I made during these performances, are my friends till date. We have danced in each others' weddings and school days are our omnipresent dinner table conversations. 

They say school primes you up for the path you are going to undertake in the near future (read 11th and 12th), which is a big hullabaloo. Im surprised no one asked me if I wanted to pursue arts. In fact I didn't even ask myself. Maybe by making it my profession I didn't wanna tarnish the sanctity of it's value and what it stood for me. In my 9h grade, it was confirmed I was going to appear for iit-jee, and for that, I was going to be prepped as a soldier who is going to a war with himself and his art. He had to sacrifice hi s love for dance and arts, for 2 years and lead a black and white life. Just work hard for 2 years and your life is SET is what they said. They all said. And so on. 

kota is the mecca of iit-jee preparation. I call it iit-jee and not jee advanced because when I first heard of the exam and it definitively being a portal to success at an Indian Institute of Technology, that jingo stuck. In Aurangabad, because my parents were doctors, we were naturally a part of a medical fraternity. It was (and still is) a general notion for doctor parents to push their kids to go to an IIT. In our circle, a senior from my school had stood 2nd in the country and then it was game over for all of us. Classic Sharma ji ka ladka syndrome had taken birth in all our circles. They called it AIR 2. AIR. All India Rank. Just writing about it right now after a decade still gives me jitters. Going in to kota as a young wanna be iitian, I was going to be permanently branded by an All India Rank. So it goes. 

I rented a paying guest room in kota, in an area called Talwandi. It took around 15mins by a bicycle to reach Bansal classes, which is where I was going to spend my 2 long years fighting an unknown battle. I call it unknown because although I knew how great iits were for a fun guy like me, but I only knew about the destination and not the journey. Back then YouTube had just started getting traction as this new video service, and I had seen an iit kgp video of a campus tour. I must have watched that video a million times, imagining how I would one day, dance in their cultural fest. The background music for that video was Jason Mraz's song I'm Yours. I literally listened to that song and visualized myself on campus. (years later in 2022 I would make a campus tour video of my masters life at Duke University, and I would be getting hundreds of messages and in person responses from fellow duke grads who would tell me how many times they watched the video I made. Circle of life)

As soon as it was afternoon which was the official tution time for most coaching institites in kota, you would see swarms of students moving towards their classes. It was pure cacophany of buzzing jee jargon everywhere. Stories, legends, how someone is smart, how they cracked an AIR, this topic from physics had this % of weightage in the 2001 paper etc were the common small talk starters. I used to think how am I gonna compete so many students. The thought that followed was this is just kota, there are students all over the country. It was too much to digest. I just decided to move on and do my thing. In hindsight, I have lots of anecdotes and horrow stories to narrate, but considering the overall theme of these essays, I want this section to have a happy hindsight. Oh I did get a decent rank, could have joined an iit but I was getting pretty unpopular engineering branches. (Notice how I didnt call them 'bad' branches). I joined an NIT. And yeah, AIR 1 from our batch in 2015 was from my literal classroom. Satvat Jagwani. I compared myself to AIR 1 every day in kota. Yeah, was rough and my self confidence had taken a big hit. It would take me the next couple of years to get out of this mindset of being a part of a herd. 

I now realize how stupid I was to worry about my rank. And how society would perceive me. And that my worth isn't tied to the institute i join or how I perform on one particular day. Yes, cracking a good rank is a good indicator of your potential and your ability to handle pressure, but the seeds are sown too early to make a sensible judgement. I am immensely successful today by my own standards, and I wouldn't have it any other wise. 

Okay so next chapter, undergraduate life at NIT Nagpur. So it goes.

Sometimes, in my dreams, I seek answers. In these dreams, I travel to places.

First I go visit the Himalayas.

There I meet an enlightened monk and casually , I start a conversation with him. I ask, “ In your view, how should life be lived? How does one make the most out of it?” To this, he answers: Do not chase the worldly pleasures, you just have one life. Do not get tied to the temptation of the moment . Work for what is meaningful in the long run. Give up pleasures for a bright future. That’s how you should live your life.

Getting some mental clarity, I write this down in my diary and continue my journey to Greece.

In Greece, I meet a lady. They say she has all the answers. Casually I ask her, “In your view, how should life be lived? How does one make the most out of it?” To which she replies: Enjoy the moment my friend. Do not wait for what is to come, seize the day. What might come is uncertain, do not wait for magic to happen. Enjoy and indulge in the simple pleasures of life while you can. Do not take life too seriously. You just have one life!

I note this down and move ahead on my journey to Paris.

In the Cafe De Flore, I meet a young man, having his coffee. People point out that he has all the answers. I casually ask him: , “In your view, how should life be lived? How does one make the most out of it?” To which he replies: Its all a balance. You have to live now but also make sure that your future would be stable . Often enjoy the present pleasures but never so much that you neglect the future. That is how you live your life.

I come back, go through my notes and ask myself the same question. How do we make the most of our lives?

We don’t.

We are stuck.

Between the now and future

To make the most of now risks the future, to preserve the future risks not making the most of now. To be human is to be aware of this and to live in between.

Wisdom is the ability to know the difference. There are countless ideas which can justify any type of living. They all sound good. They are both true and false. To find meaning in its mundane meaninglessness is genius. One should just be AWARE.

With that thought, I wake up, to live a life.